It has really dawned on me recently that this whole awakening journey is one big ol’ rollercoaster ride. I mean, I’ve known this for awhile (you would hope so, I’ve been on this journey for some time now), but now I can see the pattern of ups and downs, high and lows, expansion and contraction in a very clear and visceral way, almost like I’m looking at a precise road map of exactly how I got to the point where I am now.
Whilst it has been intensely painful at times, it has also been powerful, beautiful and amazing. All the oscillations, the plot twists, the times of agonising suspension and the crazy ass “tower moments” have made this journey very unique. Despite the immense difficulty at times, I am extremely grateful that I have experienced it and continue to experience it as I move forward everyday into higher states of awareness, elevated levels of consciousness and the life of my dreams in my physical everyday reality.
One of the major things I have learnt first hand on this journey is that you literally can’t have any expectations of how you want your life to unfold. You can certainly have an idea or an image of what you want, but nobody has any control over how things play out or how they ultimately pan out.
It is absolutely fine to want certain things – a secure and meaningful career/purpose, a loving and healthy relationship, a beautiful family, a once in a lifetime trip or adventure, a gorgeous house with all of the latest gadgets and appliances etc etc.. In fact, forming a blueprint of your heart’s desires and putting them out into the stratosphere is actually a crucial step in getting what you want.
Where most of us trip up is the next step in the manifestation process where one needs to let go of any expectations, intense longing or stubbornness around exactly how these things come to fruition in our physical reality. On top of this, there are no guarantees, so just because you put out a blueprint of your desires, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will get what you want or even something similar. It could very well be that some or all of the things on your ‘wish’ list are not for your highest good, and therefore the universe will not deliver on these things in order to protect you from something or someone that is not right for you.
I have just recently come out of the ‘void zone,’ best categorised as a state of animated suspension where you have done most of the really intense and challenging inner emotional/psychological/spiritual work so that you are a vibrational match to your heart’s desires, only to be faced with further challenging circumstances, confusion and multiple unknowns.
This is the stage that requires a tremendous amount of PATIENCE and FAITH in order not to crumble into a sobbing hot mess on the floor wailing, “why don’t I ever get what I want?? I worked so hard and it’s all for NOTHING! It’s not faaaaiiiiiiiirrr!” Much like the scene in Bridesmaids where Annie (played by the hilarious Kristen Wiig) looses her shit at her best friend’s engagement party in front of everyone. Ego tantrum to the max.
What I had failed to realise in my own ego driven state was that this was the natural rhythm of expansion and contraction at play. I had placed the order of my wants and desires (so to speak), I had done most if not all of the necessary work in order to become aligned energetically to receive them, and was waiting for my order to be shipped (without tracking). In between, I had experienced incredible breakthroughs, dizzying highs and peaceful moments of pure presence and tranquility followed by massive shakeups, devastating lows and then back again.
This is the way this journey rolls and if it sounds a little bit bipolar, it is! Of course, this is not to detract from or diminish the incredible pain experienced by someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any other mental health issue where immense ups and downs play a significant part. I have a huge amount of empathy and compassion for anyone in this position, and hope that they are receiving the support, love and care that they need to recover.
Clinical diagnosis aside, the awakening journey can leave you feeling completely drained and exhausted at times. It can also make you feel very powerful (in a good way), especially when you manage to get yourself through the infamous “dark night of the soul” and shed more and more of your old petulant ego self to be reborn like the phoenix rising from the ashes – resilient, strong, courageous, wise and so damn magnetic that you start drawing positive people, things and experiences to you like a moth to a flame.
This is where I am now. While there are still some things that are yet to completely manifest in my physical reality, energetically I am in a very good place and it’s only a matter of time before these things unfold. I will be living my best life in the physical as well as internally and this will be a reflection of the state of my inner world- powerful, peaceful, confident, compassionate, kind and brimming with unconditional love to pour into my business of helping people as a counsellor and coach.
I have had some difficult times with various people in my life who have treated me badly, disrespected me, or have tried to control me. Whilst these have been painful experiences to go through from a human perspective, from a soul perspective these people have been my greatest teachers for whom I am very grateful, and I forgive them for any hurt caused. I honestly wouldn’t be where I am today without them. I’m certainly not perfect by any means, and I have behaved in challenging ways with others in the past – no human is immune to fears, wounds, illusions and conditioning that can manifest as challenging or even toxic behaviour at times.
These people have helped to teach me about my worth, that I deserve all the good things. They have taught me that I always need to speak my truth (respectfully and kindly of course). They have taught me how to implement healthy boundaries in a way that is honest, fair, assertive and compassionate. They have taught me to be patient and have faith (a difficult one for me!) Last but not least, they have taught me that I am enough as I am, just me, and that I don’t need anyone or anything to feel whole, complete, worthy, accomplished and beautiful. Wow! What amazing takeaways.. So from the very bottom of my heart.. thank you.
I now sit in this space knowing that I have a beautiful future ahead of me, regardless of how it physically unfolds and presents itself in my life. I am so thankful for the expansions and contractions on this journey, and I am open and ready to receive whatever is meant for me whether that be a beautiful romance, increased clarity on my life mission/purpose or anything else.
So, the next time you are struggling with expansion and contraction, just know that it is all part of the process and that everything is impermanent except for the ever flowing unconditional love of your soul.