It’s easy to get caught up in the collective panic and general air of malaise in the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic. As has already been highlighted, the current health crisis has shone a very bright spotlight on the collective ‘lack’ mentality predicated on fear and competition. This mentality has manifested in mass hoarding behaviours resulting in empty supermarket shelves and an uneven distribution of toilet paper.
It has revealed humanity’s collective shadow side which can only really be described as selfish and ugly. I certainly don’t intend to judge, punish or criticise anyone by writing these words. This is a collective mentality which suggests that it does not derive from individual dysfunction and greed, but from a society that teaches us that we never have enough material things, and that it’s every man and woman for themselves.
This is a mentality that has been rampant for a long time, particularly in the West, and it has caused a lot of dis ease, conflict, unhappiness and suffering. Our true nature is not based on fear, competition and greed, but on radical acceptance, unconditional love, courage, creativity and kindness. Who we are at a soul level has been covered up by centuries of patriarchal and political oppression resulting in trauma, conflict, wars, environmental degradation, unhappiness and damaging behaviour.
Whilst we are all connected by a vast web of collective human consciousness, every human being is an individual who is ultimately responsible for their own wellbeing and happiness. It is only when we have come to a place of relative happiness and wholeness within that we can contribute positively to the collective.
You may ask, “how do we heal and evolve from the damage we have inflicted on ourselves and the Earth? It seems impossible, we are too far gone!” You may feel that ascending as a planet into a higher level of collective consciousness is so far out of reach and that rebuilding a world based on altruism, respect for our Earth Mother and kindness towards all living things is a shitty pipe dream, which drifts further and further out of reach with every new crisis: climate change, the recent bushfires in Australia, and now the global Coronavirus pandemic.
When you look at it at face value, this is exactly how it appears. However, when you look at it from a spiritual perspective, what is happening now makes complete and total sense. In order for us to change from the inside out, we must first recognise and acknowledge where we are creating damage. What better way to continue to wipe out oppressive and outdated systems predicated on dysfunctional levels of ego and pride than to introduce a global health crisis that forces us to turn away from our systemic oppression and find peace, kindness, compassion and humble solidarity within.
The COVID- 19 global pandemic is just the catalyst for our collective ‘dark night of the soul‘ or the chrysalis, as beautifully described below:
We are entering the chrysalis. There’s no instruction manual for what happens next. But we can learn some things from observing nature (thank you Megan Toben for some of this biological info). For one thing, the chrysalis stage is preceded by a feeding frenzy in which the caterpillar massively overconsumes (sound familiar? We’ve been there for decades). Then its tissues melt into a virtually undifferentiated goo. What remain separate are so-called imaginal cells, which link together and become the template from which the goo reorganizes itself into a butterfly.
Jonathan Hadas Edwards & Julia Hartsell, 2020
Once we emerge from the chrysalis, (and even whilst inside it) we have the opportunity to rise like the Pheonix from the ashes, reborn and ready to do things differently. To live and strive as a collective in alignment with our soul consciousness predicated on all the good things our world is so desperately in need of.
So put this time of social isolation to good use. Instead of getting caught up in collective fear, anxiety and panic, reflect on your own inner space and what you can do to raise your vibrational frequency. We can all contribute positively to the collective human consciousness, and help save this beautiful big old round spinning ball we call home.
Lately I have been feeling a lot of frustration around the ways that some people within and around the spiritual community engage in various forms of spiritual bypassing.
Spiritual bypassing can be best described as:
A tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks
John WELWOOD, buddhist teacher and psychotherapist
In my experience, this is a very apt description. I have witnessed multiple examples of this going on within spiritual groups and with friends and acquaintances.
The sorts of telltale signs that someone might be engaging in this form of spiritual avoidance include:
Always trying to remain “positive” by avoiding any discussion or expressing difficult emotions that arise as part of the human experience (ie. emotional repression)
Disinterest, judgement and/or avoidance of the emotional process
Being overly tolerant of the mistreatment of others, lack of healthy boundaries (ie. co-dependency)
Giving excessive advise whilst resisting the same in return
Being overly idealistic instead of realistic
A sense of spiritual superiority and entitlement
Attributing negative events to the interference of black magic, dark forces etc.
Touting fringe conspiracy theories to avoid facing your shadow work
This list is not exhaustive by any means, but these are some of the most common manifestations of spiritual bypassing I have come across on my own path.
There are some sayings within the spiritual community that are repeatedly misused by people who are not actually working through their shadow side. The term, “sending you love and light” is one common example.
In order to get to a place of balance and wholeness within, you need to work through your shadow side and integrate it into your life rather than sweep it under the carpet and deny it’s existence. Nobody who is on a true spiritual path can avoid this, and no amount of love and light is going to bypass this process.
I have to admit that when someone utters this phrase to me, this is the image that springs to mind…
Real spiritualism means confronting, accepting and even embracing those ‘undesirable’ and ‘ugly’ parts of yourself that our society and upbringing has conditioned us to deny and repress.
It means getting really honest with yourself about your fears, deep seated wounds, illusions and the unhealthy/dysfunctional/toxic patterns that play out in your relationships, including your relationship with yourself. It means owning up to self sabotage and embracing opportunities for change and growth rather than staying stuck in fear and resistance.
Let’s face it, the initial stages of a spiritual awakening are intensely raw and extremely painful. It’s nothing short of taking a trip through the gates of hell because everything you have been carrying that has been blocking your heart from true unconditional love and acceptance has to be shed and released which means FEELING IT ALL.
This is just the way we are built as human beings living on planet Earth. We need to feel the emotions in order to release and heal them for good. I can vouch for this because I have been on the Twin Flame ascension journey for the last three and a half years.
The twin flame journey is basically the same as a normal spiritual ascension journey. The only difference is that there is another person involved in the process, someone who is so energetically connected to you on a deep soul level that they trigger your deepest darkest core wounds and fears up to the surface for recognition, healing and release through their challenging behaviour.
If anything, the twin flame ascension journey forces you to awaken at breakneck speed as you are triggered over and over and over in quick succession by either your spiritual counterpart, or by other circumstances/situations/relationships that are divinely orchestrated to ensure that you engage in the cross fit version of spiritual awakening. Not a journey for the fainthearted, that’s for sure.
There is definitely a mandatory requirement for anyone who is serious about their awakening to drop all the bypassing “love and light” BS and embrace a path of genuine ascension. One that involves allowing yourself to feel everything (and I mean really feel it) to the point where you might find yourself lying cheek down on the bathroom floor sobbing in a heaving sweaty mess to release the trapped emotions stored in your muscle memory from your childhood/other life experiences.
Real awakenings are messy, painful and extremely challenging. They are also amazing, joyful, extremely beautiful and everything in between. It’s essential to understand the difference between spiritual bypassing and genuine raw, authentic spiritualism. We need as many people as possible to truly embrace this journey on all levels so we can help uplift the vibration of the entire planet and save humanity in the process.
I love who you as your authentic self, in your divine masculinity: an exquisite balance of kind tender hearted vulnerability and positive decisive action. You are my protector, and it is through your protection that I am free to walk the Earth unharmed so I can spread my light and inspiration to everyone around me.
I accept who you are in your current distorted state and I still love you in spite of it, but that doesn’t mean I want to be around you. I don’t want to deal with your control, manipulation, betrayal and deceit. When you are in these energies, I feel you can be very unkind. You need to learn that asserting control over someone is not love. Neither is withholding affection, honesty, attempting to make me jealous, shutting me out or saying nasty things.
I know you are hurting and dealing with deep core wounds that are very difficult to work through. I have compassion for you at this time because I have also been through this deep dark pain on my own healing journey. However, this is a path you need to walk alone until you can stand confident and tall in your own healthy masculinity. There are no short cuts on this journey, and I will never be your emotional punching bag.
I’m not trying to demonise you or to put myself on a pedestal by writing these words. I have engaged in my fair share of distorted feminine behaviour on this path. But I have healed my core wounds now, and although I still have my ups and downs, I stand tall and proud in the energy of an empress.
This is why I can’t be with you at this time. There is an energetic mismatch between us – divine feminine and distorted masculine does not make a true sacred union. We can only make this work when we have both surrendered our ego and there is nothing but love between us. That is how we come together, in true unconditional love for each other and the world around us. When we are both ready we can come together to fulfil our soul mission together, as one.
So please, my distorted masculine stay away from me until you are a king who can treat me like an empress. I love you so much, my distorted masculine, but I need you to know that if it ever comes down to a choice of me or you, I choose myself every time.
It’s come to my attention that there is a fair bit of confusion in the twin flame community around what it actually means to detach from your divine counterpart. If you’ve been on the twin flame path for awhile and you have sought explanations for the plethora of mystical experiences you’ve encountered, then it’s highly likely that you have done some research and sought the assistance of a twin flame teacher, coach or tarot reader/s to help guide you.
This is a journey that you can only truly understand if you are on it or have been through it yourself. It’s also highly likely that you have come across the very strong message in the twin flame community that you must detach from your counterpart in order to fully ascend, come into your true soul self and attract spiritual and physical union with your twin. This is stated over and over as one of the ultimate challenges and goals of the twin flame journey, which is perhaps why it is one of the hardest darn things to achieve.
I know I have struggled over and over again on my own twin flame path to fully surrender and let go of any kind of unhealthy attachment to my twin and to the connection. There were many times on my own journey where I felt that it must be some impossible cosmic joke- the connection I felt to my twin was so strong that it was driving me crazy. He was constantly on my mind, he would appear in my dreams and I could feel his presence so strongly on an energetic level that sometimes I felt like he was right there with me in the physical. The love I felt for him was so strong and beyond anything I had ever experienced with another person before.
Along with the strong magnetic, I could feel and sense my twin’s thoughts, feelings and emotions as well as my own. I was also seeing, feeling and experiencing a miriade of signs and synchronicities especially whilst in periods of separation such as repeated number patters (111, 222, 333 and 555 being the most frequent), and things that reminded me of him like the car he drove or other men that looked like him.
With all of that going on I wondered how it was even possible to detach from him like I was supposed to. How the hell was I going to become neutral about someone who was always there, always in my thoughts, my heart, my mind and the main reason that I was working so hard to overcome my fears, wounds, illusions to become to best version of myself that I could possibly be?
It certainly didn’t help that everyone in my physical reality were not on the twin flame path and could only see what was happening on the surface- that I appeared to be obsessed with someone who was emotionally and physically unavailable to me, and not only that, someone who and was actively ghosting, ignoring and blocking me. Not only was I having all these intense feelings and experiences that were making me question my sanity, this feeling of “going crazy” was being reinforced by those around me who thought that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and had serious attachment and mental health issues.
I’m certainly not having a go at anyone who thought these things about my situation. In truth, I would have had the same thoughts if I were in their position. I mean, this whole twin flame thing is not a ‘normal’ experience in our society which is why a lot of twins try to conceal the fact that they are on this journey, and hide it like some dirty little secret. I was certainly no exception to this, and it’s only over the last six months that I have really started to come out of the closet about my twin flame status.
I have now gotten to a point of my journey where overall I have been able to detach from my twin in ways that I previously felt impossible. I still have the odd day where I feel that strong obsessive magnetic pull and it becomes so damn distracting that it’s challenging to focus on myself… However, the thing I have come to realise is that once you have healed and released your biggest core wounds triggered by your twin (which for most twins are around abandonment and rejection), you will start to experience these obsessive days less and less.
The reason for this is this is that the strong pull you feel towards your twin is often not really about them at all. It’s actually you being pulled by the universe into your own wounding. As you and your twin share the same soul, it is actually luring you into your own shadow side and wounded inner child so you can become aware of your blind spots and heal the underlying wounds creating them. So it stands to reason that once you have healed a lot of your core rejection and abandonment wounds, those obsessive hours, days, weeks or months where you can’t stop thinking about your twin become less and less.
The other reason that you might experience the obsessive pull or strong overpowering feelings towards your twin after you worked through your own core wounds is that you are actually picking up on your twin’s feelings more than your own. From my own experience, I can safely say that I am now in a position where I have more or less worked through those core abandonment and rejection wounds. Therefore when I do suddenly feel a very strong emotion like sadness out of the blue when things are going relatively well in my own life, I can assume that it is my twin’s feelings, and therefore detach from them to become the observer rather than attaching to them as if they were my own.
I believe that it is really important to be able to discern between your own feelings and your twin’s feelings on this journey, and this can also help to detach from any codependency you may be experiencing as well. Once you are at the stage of the journey where you are able to recognise that you have worked through your own core wounds, the ‘obsessive’ days where you feel bound to your twin become less and less, and you become able to identify your own feelings from those of your twin, then you are absolutely nailing this journey and should expect all the good things to start to blossom and grow in your physical reality in divine timing.
It has really dawned on me over the past few weeks that there is a lot of confusion in the twin flame community around what this journey is really about. I’ve recently come to the point in my own journey where I can finally see the forrest through the trees much more clearly than ever before. Now I can see why all the crazy twists and turns had to happen, and what we’re all really working towards.
Unfortunately it seems that people tend to complicate this journey by getting too bogged down in the 3D physical world dynamics with their twin- the running, the chasing, the ghosting, the frustration, the anger, the hopelessness and the longing for physical reunion with their counterpart.
Of course this messy human stuff is all part of the journey, and I’ve certainly been there many times myself, so I’m definitely not judging anyone. The purpose of this article is for me to do my part in assisting others on this journey who may be feeling all kinds of pissed off at the universe for showing them their perfect partner, only to see their dream crumbling to shit in a messy nightmare of betrayal, deceit and seemingly endless abandonment triggers.
You only have to log onto a lot of twin flame facebook pages to see that the majority of the collective are heavily caught up the physical dynamics of their connection- what their twin is or isn’t doing, the pain and helplessness they feel around separation, and when their twin will finally come back to them so they can have the happy romantic outcome they prize above anything else.
Again, I’m not passing any judgement here as I’ve been there myself, but it is important to face the reality here. If you don’t, or you flat out refuse to, you could end up going around and around and round in a messed up dysfunctional dynamic with your twin for years and years until you turn around and finally release the false belief that this is just about the romantic outcome. The happy ever after is merely the cherry on top that only becomes possible once the internal work is more or less complete.
I’m certainly not saying anything new by writing this article. There are many twin flame coaches, teachers, tarot readers and bloggers who have commented on this very subject. I feel that it is important for as many people on the twin flame path as possible to share the truth about the journey so it can really be heard. One of my favourite twin flame teachers Sabriye Ayana sums it up perfectly:
The destination of this journey is really not about ending up in a romantic love relationship with the Divine counterpart, which most Twin Flames cling to as if their lives depend on it – but that is the very reason they don’t align to it as a physical manifestation, because they want it too much and for all the wrong reasons. Often shooting down anyone that threatens their view of the fairy-tale ending they deeply desire.
Now, having said what the twin flame journey isn’t about, let’s take a look at what it is about. Keep in mind that this is my perspective derived from my own experience, research, twin flame teachers I’ve worked with and the guidance I’ve received directly from spirit. That’s another thing about this journey- it’s often full of apparent contradictions which, in reality, is actually how spiritual truth functions.
There is often two realities running concurrently, and both are just as valid as each other. So, while I talk about the ‘truth’ of the journey, it is not dogma and nobody has to agree as we all have free will and we can choose to believe or not to believe in whatever we feel is serving us at that point in time. That isn’t to say that there aren’t consequences for whatever action or path you choose to take if it’s not in alignment with what your soul knows to be for your highest good.
One of the biggest areas of confusion that a lot of people struggle with on this journey is thinking that it is the same for both the masculine and the feminine counterparts. As we know, a biological female can embody the masculine energy and vice versa, and this doesn’t have any bearing on the end result because it’s all about the energy.
The biggest challenge for the feminine energy twin in this lifetime is to learn how to stand in her own power and become fully self sufficient and independent in the material world. This means shedding, healing and releasing past wounds from childhood and relationships/situations built on codependency. It doesn’t mean that ‘she’ shouldn’t want companionship and intimacy, but it does mean that she needs to release the unhealthy attachment she has to it.
By contrast, the masculine energy twin needs to learn how to let love in. After centuries of wounding, conditioning and fears around around being vulnerable, expressing feelings and showing genuine love and compassion, ‘he’ needs to heal and release all of this so that he can let love in and finally be free to be himself without fear of rejection, judgement or recrimination.
As a race, human beings have gotten ourselves into such a mess with paradigms based on patriarchal power and control. They are so detrimental to our true nature which, at its core, is based on unconditional love, kindness and altruism.
We are blindly repeating the same dysfunctional patterns in our relationships with partners, friends and family, and on a systemic scale through governments and institutions.
It’s an emergency on a global scale which is predicated on distorted templates in which the feminine energy is associated with victimhood/powerlessness/resentment, and the masculine energy is associated with persecution/control/anger. You only have to hear about the countless stories of domestic abuse from all around the world to see this dynamic in action.
Twin flames are here to release this old template and in doing so turn it into love. Every time someone works through this pattern, releases the associated pain from past experiences and chooses a more loving path to move forward, it heals this negative karma for their whole family line, for others around them and for their offspring, if children are part of their path.
I have been releasing strong conditioning around powerlessness and oppression at the hands of toxic masculine energy, which has also shown up in my twin flame dynamic, and in past relationships where I felt at the mercy of distorted masculine behaviour. This often took the form of control, betrayed and deception.
I have recently been working through these kinds of themes in my own life which have shown up in my past relationships, my professional life and yes, you guessed it, in my twin flame dynamic. A lot of my behaviour had to do with over giving in my intimate relationships and in my work as a counsellor and social worker. I would give and give until I was so depleted and exhausted that I could barely stand. This would then feed into feelings of resentment and anger when my efforts were not reciprocated.
I am doing this with full awareness of the greater purpose. By choosing to put myself and my own needs first, whilst allowing myself to release the pain stored up in my emotional pain body, I am literally healing these old damaging templates for my family, for the people around me, and for my future children if they are part of my journey on this big old round ball. The buck stops with me.
Unfortunately I think that the twin flame industry has done us all a massive disservice by focussing so heavily on the romantic outcome part of the journey. You only have to google anything related to twin flames to be inundated with articles, guided meditations and tarot card readings with headings such as ‘divine masculine planning to profess his love to his divine feminine.’
There is nothing wrong with wanting commitment, marriage and babies with your beloved, but when it’s all you strive for, and it prevents you from moving forward and living your own life, you might as well be plugged right back into the matrix – the 3D world of co dependent relationships based purely on ego and control. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t those the very paradigms that we are working so hard to overcome?
Despite all of the pain I’ve encountered on this journey, the heartbreak, the incredible ups and the devastating lows, I am extremely grateful to be on this path. It is because of all of this that I know what my mission and life purpose is in this lifetime. Whenever you are feeling low, depressed, hopeless or angry remember that you are here to serve humanity, to bring the New Earth down to this physical plane in order to guide and teach others the true meaning of unconditional love and what it truly means to be human.
So instead of asking, ‘when will my twin return?’ ask yourself, ‘where am I vibing at?’ As it is only by raising our vibration that we can fulfil our mission as twin flames and help to usher in the New Earth for the benefit of humankind.
A major issue I’ve been struggling with lately is resistance.. Resistance to doing what I know will serve me in the long run, resistance around going to the doctor to get that niggling health issue checked, resistance to getting into a regular rhythm with my writing.. you get my point.
Resistance is a tricky one. It is the most common and pervasive forms of self sabotage for the majority of us two legged beasts. We all want certain things in our lives, depending on our personal circumstances and where we are geographically located. Though generally speaking, the things that most people want include a fulfilling career or life purpose, a loving relationship and/or family life, and to feel part of a supportive community.
In order to get these things there are often challenges and/or hard work involved. This is where our sneaky friend resistance swoops in to make a cameo appearance, if not a major starring role in the daily soap opera of our lives. Resistance takes many forms from distractions like TV, excessive sleeping or messing around on facebook to addictions like sex, alcohol or impulsive online shopping.
In my case, resistance takes the form of Shiny Object Syndrome, which is basically a fancy term for impulsive Gemini types who are prone to one distraction after the next. Whenever I am super stressed or facing one of my core wounds and/or shadows, I struggle with the impulse to distract myself by signing up for a fancy yoga membership I never use, or a photography course which I know I probably won’t be able to attend or can’t even really afford. Ah resistance, you feathered beast!
In The Art of War, Steven Pressfield lists the activities that most commonly evoke resistance which he refers to as ‘Resistance’s Greatest Hits.’ Among these include any entrepreneurial project or business, a healthy diet or exercise regiment, a program involving spiritual development, educational advancement or a program to help combat addictions. Basically anything that is beneficial to your ongoing soul advancement rather than activities that provide instant quick fix gratification.
He further notes that fear is our constant companion, so there is no point in, ‘I will do such and such when I get over the fear’ kind of thinking. Trust me, I’ve been there many times myself!
Fear doesn’t go away. The warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew every day.
STEVEN PRESSFIELD, THE ART OF WAR
I experience resistance every time I sit down to write one of these articles. Suddenly everything else seems infinitely more important including dusting the family elephant, and no that’s not a sleazy euphemism! The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I will feel a great sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, especially knowing it may assist someone struggling with a similar issue.
So there you have it, resistance is a vastly common experience and takes no prisoners. Even the likes of Barak Obama, Gina Rinehart and Oprah Winfrey are struck down by it’s forceful blow. The trick is to accept it’s presence and not let the fear stop you from doing what you were put on this great old round ball to do.
A big theme that I have observed in the world of male/female intimate relationships is the confusion felt by men around what women want. I refer to this as the nice guys versus bad boys dichotomy.
Following from my last piece, Emasculation and Objectification, this article will explore modern day archetypes, ‘Mr Nice Guy,’ the ‘Bad Boy’ and how they can play out in a dating/relationship context. It will also look at the in between guy, ‘Mr Unavailable,’ and finally, what healthy balanced women really want from their masculine counterpart.
I have certainly experienced this dichotomy playing out in my own dating life. I have been intimately involved with men who fit the description of a typical ‘bad boy’ or ‘player’ where they engaged in all manner of mind games. Conversely, I have had experiences with the ‘nice guy’ who has almost bent over backwards to cater to what he assumed were all my needs and desires.
The ‘bad boy’ archetype can be seen in film and TV characters such as Tyler Durden from Fight Club, Eric Northman from True Blood and Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad. He is brimming with bravado, oozing with sexual magnetism, and carries a distinct air of intrigue and mystery. He is ‘bad’ in the sense that he doesn’t follow the pack, and in some cases literally operates outside the confines of the law. Women supposedly find him irresistible, and he has his pick of sexual conquests, which he regularly takes advantage of.
The ‘nice guy’ archetype on the other hand is much more likely to be put in the ‘friend zone’ due to his overly doting and caring nature. He puts his partner’s needs before his own, avoids any and all types of confrontation, and essentially lives to please others, particularly the object of his affection. He often complains that despite all his best efforts, women don’t find him sexually attractive, and that he is more likely to end up listening to their troubles with the aforementioned ‘bad boy’ than enthralling them between the sheets.
Popular culture and the media both reinforce the notion that women are impossible to please, are never satisfied and actively pursue the bad boy, only to end up running back to the nice guy for comfort and support when her heart is inevitably broken. Whilst this template certainly does play out in real life to varying degrees, I would argue that it continues to be perpetuated by these stereotypes that are highly damaging to both men and women, and to intimate relationships.
Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim writes extensively about Mr Unavailable, the guy who resides between the Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy.
She argues that Mr Unavailable is very much about the chase:
He pursues hard, showers you with attention and lays it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are hooked and things get comfortable, he backs off. Then he homes in again.
Natalie Lue, Baggage RecLAIM
I would suggest that out of the three above mentioned archetypes, the majority of men who experience significant issues achieving genuine intimacy in relationships fall into the Mr Unavailable category to varying degrees. With all of the confusion around expectations of masculinity and what women want, it is not surprising that this is the case. This is also not to absolve these men of taking responsibility for their unavailable behaviour and addressing the underlying issues.
There is the other side of the coin to take into consideration as well. In the Queen’s Code , Alison Armstrong talks about how women thrive on feelings of warmth and connection that are activated in a relationship when a couple is getting along. Thus, it is a natural instinct for a woman to avoid any kind of conflict with her mate which also includes asserting her needs if she feels that he is not likely to agree with them.
If she does speak up and state her wants, and he doesn’t agree or he reacts negatively, she instinctively feels his withdrawal from the connection on a deep subconscious energetic level. This sends off alarm bells in her mind, and she immediately becomes anxious, which further triggers her to to rekindle the ‘lost’ connection so she can feel safe in the relationship again. This may play out in the form of her taking back her requests, or repeatedly asking him if something is wrong. This behaviour creates a push pull dynamic within the relationship that can cause conflict and confusion for both, especially for the masculine.
Of course, all of this behaviour can be played out to the extreme in relationships in a chronic behavioural dynamic that can sometimes last for decades. When it reaches this level, it is often an indication of a toxic relationship, and there is a high likelihood that both parties have experienced significant levels of abandonment, trauma, abuse or all of the above. This can often stem as far back as childhood, and may require professional counselling or other significant therapeutic interventions to help work through the trauma.
Heterosexual women who are largely in a healthy place in their own lives are not seeking a Bad Boy, Mr Nice Guy or Mr Unavailable. They are looking for a man who is strong (both physically and spiritually), protective, assertive, a generous lover, and has the ability to charge ahead and get things done. He also has a well developed inner feminine aspect; he has the strength to show his vulnerability, and he has a strong nurturing side which he shares generously with his mate.
At the same time, he deals with confrontation when it arises in an assertive and respectful manner, and he doesn’t give up his autonomy when he needs it, or bend over backwards to please others for external validation. He also knows when to pull back and allow for space with his mate, and when to come forward and offer his time, support and assistance. He allows for an element of mystery within the relationship in order to keep the embers of desire burning strong. This is the divine masculine: powerful, strong, alluring, balanced compassionate and beautiful beyond all measure.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about some of the challenging ways men and women relate to each other, particularly in the context of intimate relationships. The biggest themes that have leapt out for me involve emasculation and objectification.
It’s fairly self evident that emasculation refers to the masculine energy (often embodied by a biological male) and that objectification effects the feminine energy (often embodied by a biological female). Masculine energy can reside strongly within a biological female and vice versa, but for the purpose of ease in this article, I will be referring to men and women.
Some of the biggest challenges couples face are not feeling respected, valued, heard or needed by their partner. As we all know, these are the fundamental elements needed to sustained a healthy relationship. While we all just want to feel loved regardless of our sex or gender, men and women tend to have different needs when it comes to giving and receiving love.
Women tend to need to feel valued, and to feel seen. They also want the freedom to show their nurturing side, to feel sexually desired, and to feel appreciated. Men tend to need respect, trust, space and praise or approval from their partner. They also need emotional connection and physical touch.
Both parties need a sense of security in order to feel safe to open up fully and trust the other. When each partner can give the other what they need the majority of the time, a divine partnership based on mutual understanding and unconditional love can start to blossom and unfold.
It can all go pear shaped when a woman automatically assumes that a man is untrustworthy, that he doesn’t value her, and doesn’t understand her. This can cause a man to react and behave in certain ways that serve to confirm her underlying beliefs about men, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle.
Now, I’m certainly not trying to blame women for bad behaviour in men, that is the least of my intentions. There are also some men (and women) who behave in dysfunctional, disrespectful or even downright abusive ways regardless of what a woman (or anyone for that matter) says or does. We only have to look at the statistics around domestic and family violence to see this.
What I am more so pointing to, is that the divine feminine energy is very powerful. It has the capacity to truly inspire, uplift, transform and heal. The divine masculine energy is also very powerful, but that is a whole other article. When a woman embodies and truly lives from her divine feminine energy, it has a transformative effect on intimate partnerships.
In her book The Queen’s Code, Alison Armstrong explores this very concept. She refers to the problematic behaviours that women display towards men, and their consequent reactions as ‘frog farming,’ . This can be summed up in the answer a man gives a woman about why her partner stopped paying her attention and showing her that he cared:
You’re a Frog Farmer. Some women turn frogs into princes. You, my dear, turn princes into frogs.
Alison Armstrong, the Queen’s Code
Armstrong further notes that it is this very ‘frog farming’ that can ultimately result in a man feeling emasculated in his relationship. Contrary to the view that men don’t really care about what their partner thinks or feels, a lot of men can actually be deeply sensitive and vulnerable to how they are perceived and responded to in a relationship, as one of his core needs is to feel needed.
When a man feels emasculated by his partner, over time he will start to ignore and distance himself emotionally from her, become defensive, compete rather than collaborate with her, take her for granted and objectify her. It is this very objectification in particular that can make a women feel resentful and angry, leading her to emasculate him further, and thus perpetuating the aforementioned vicious cycle in intimate partnerships.
Objectification can occur when a man feels overwhelmed by a woman’s beauty, sexuality, intellect, humour, anger or demands. In the context of this article, it can often occur in response to the ‘frog farming’ behaviour of a woman towards her partner. Objectification is defined as stripping someone of their human status, and reducing them to an object purely for the gratification and service of the other. There is nothing like turning a woman into an object to make her feel insignificant!
In contrast, a divine partnership is based on both parties building each other up and fulfilling each other’s needs whilst also maintaining independence and a solid healthy sense of self. Sounds pretty good doesn’t it? This kind of sacred relationship is achievable and is embodied by many different couples on this physical plane.
At the end of the day, we are all mirrors of each other, and we are always going to attract to us externally what we hold deep down inside. So whilst a divine partnership is certainly achievable, it can’t be sustained without first completing the necessary internal work in order to shed ourselves of our fears, wounds, illusions, and conditioning. It is only once we have achieved this that we can truly embody the divine masculine, divine feminine and divine partnerships right here on planet Earth.
I have just come back from a prolific three week trip to Egypt with seventeen other like minded souls striving to reach higher states of consciousness. It was an amazing experience with many profound moments, challenges, triggers and genuine moments of authentic human connection.
The Egyptian landscape is magical, amassed with stark contrasts- baron desert and fertile oasis laying side by side within metres of each other. There is an energy surrounding the sacred sites which is almost palpable, and can trigger deep seated feelings, traumas and past life events buried within the subconscious layers of our human tissue.
Our tour guides were the most generous, hospitable and knowledgeable souls who protected and nurtured us on every elaborate twist and turn of our journey. The length and depth of genuine care they displayed towards us filled me with a deep sense of appreciation and gratitude.
I learnt that I am quite introspective and treasure my own introvert space much more than I realised! This became extremely evident when I started to feel very overwhelmed with the constant chatter and non stop social interaction on the tour. I began withdrawing into myself every time it started to feel too much, and my soul felt pained from the lack of introspective space.
The problem was that not only was I having these feelings of intense overwhelm, but I was also judging and condemning myself for it. In a society where extroversion is seen to be the socially acceptable norm, I felt like a leper committing social suicide. This whole experience only served to trigger thoughts and feelings I have been subjecting myself to for many years.
As a result of this intense self criticism, I began withdrawing from the group even more to the point of isolating myself in the corner, carrying a guarded air of hostility and resistance. This only served to reinforce my own illusion that I am a bit weird and do not play well with others. This was dutifully mirrored back to me by my fellow travellers in perfect divine order. The law of attraction takes no prisoners.
In the spirit of raw authenticity, I decided to get real with myself and face this issue head on. After an immensely helpful chat with a trusted fellow traveller, I began putting myself out there, connecting with genuine interest, curiosity and depth. This increased my social confidence ten fold, and served to create a positive feedback loop which began reversing the the aforementioned self deprecation and negativity.
As I opened up, I discovered that there were others on the tour who had dealt with or were also dealing with similar issues. Sitting next to a fellow introvert on the bus one day saw the beginning of a convenient and helpful term for quiet reflection when feeling overwhelmed: ‘introverting with intent.’
It quickly became a phrase used readily on the tour and we saw great humour in purposefully seeing how long we could ‘introvert’ during bus rides and down time between activities. I was delighted to discover that I did not offend anyone by stating my need to ‘introvert with intent’. In fact, I was met with reassurance and acceptance.
So next time you feel like you feel overwhelmed and in dire need of introvert space, try ‘introverting with intent.’ More often than not, I believe it will be met with genuine respect and acceptance. You may even end up feeling a little bit like this..
P.S If you are interested in booking a guided tour in Egypt, I highly recommend going with Sacred Tours of Egypt. They are extremely knowledgeable, experienced and loads of fun!