As an experienced counsellor and twin flame coach, it has come to my attention that there is a lot of misidentification with, and misunderstanding around the twin flame label.
Before I go any further, I must warn that this article may be triggering for some. Nonetheless, I feel strongly guided to write it so that people can become properly informed and seek the help and support they may need. I will be talking about the dynamics of domestic and family violence. I will also be using the word ‘victim’ purely for ease even though I don’t like or resonate with it.
Unfortunately, I have witnessed many people identifying their relationship as a twin flame connection when it is highly likely that it is not.
Having said this, I don’t profess to have all the answers, nor do I have a unique psychic ability that allows me to confirm with absolute certainty whether or not someone is in a spiritual connection. What I do have, however, is fifteen years of counselling experience, including several years of working with clients who have been directly affected by domestic and/or family violence.
I have also been on a genuine twin flame path for the last four years which has been confirmed by several highly skilled and experienced shamanic practitioners, and my intuition, which has become very solid and unflappable on this journey. As a result, I do feel that I have enough professional tools, skills, and experience to be writing with a fairly high level of certainty on this subject.
What I have been witnessing is people who are in toxic or even abusive relationships that are mistaking it for a twin flame connection. This is understandable as there is a lot of literature out there in internet land about twin flames which speaks about the often tumultuous, turbulent, and sometimes even abusive behaviour that can occur from one or both parties in the connection.
It is little wonder that someone in a toxic and/or abusive relationship might read these kinds of articles and mistake their relationship for a twin flame connection. This is especially applicable for the ‘victim’ who may be holding onto the hope that their abusive partner will eventually wake up, see the value in the relationship, and change their ways.
This is exactly where the major danger lies in holding onto the twin flame label. It provides the ‘victim’ with the notion that they should continue to put up with abusive behaviour from their partner because it is a destined spiritual connection, and if they hold on for long enough and wait patiently with unconditional love, their partner will eventually wake up and see the true value in their relationship, and commit to them in a spiritual union.
The reality is that it doesn’t matter whether you are in a twin flame connection or not when it comes to abusive behaviours. If you are in a relationship where you are subject to maltreatment of any kind whether it be emotional manipulation, sexual, financial, or physical abuse, this is never okay, and it can be very damaging on all levels. If you are in this kind of relationship, you need to be honest with yourself first and foremost. You also need to seek appropriate support, take steps to protect yourself, and be prepared to walk away from the relationship if needs be.
There can often be challenging and even toxic behaviours present in a genuine twin flame relationship because one of the main purposes is for both parties to trigger each other so that their wounds come up to the surface for healing. This is exactly why a lot of people confuse an abusive relationship for a twin flame connection.
However, what you will most likely find in a twin flame connection is that one or both twins will more than likely be repelled by the other straight after a major trigger which will inevitably lead to a physical separation in which there is very little or no physical contact/communication.
In the early stages of the connection, in particular, this often plays out in the form of the infamous ‘runner chaser’ dynamic in which the twin carrying the masculine energy (most often embodied by a biological male but not always) will run away and completely block the twin carrying the feminine energy (most often embodied by a biological female but not always).
At this stage, the feminine twin will often try to chase after the masculine to little effect as there is nothing you can do to coax a masculine twin out of hiding once ‘he’ runs away. The only thing left to do for the feminine at this stage is to focus ‘her’ energy inwards and start to heal and ascend on ‘her’ own without the masculine physically present in ‘her’ life.
In a genuine twin flame connection, there is typically only a short amount of time that the pair are physically together (most often as a romantic couple) in what is most often referred to as the ‘bubble love’ phase before the triggering starts and the masculine twin runs from the connection.
This phase is deeply loving, and there is an inextricable feeling of deep soul recognition and ‘returning home’ for both twins. Most if not all of the genuine twins I have spoken to have reported that this initial courtship lasted anywhere between 2-6 months (often on and off) before the ‘runner chaser’ dynamic came fully into play.
So if you have been in a long marriage or partnership that has lasted for years and you are now finding yourself in a difficult separation or divorce with your partner who is engaging in some abusive behaviours, you are more than likely not in a twin flame relationship. This is more likely to be a difficult separation which has triggered some abusive or toxic behaviours that were already present in the relationship whether you were fully aware of it or not.
At this point, I also want to make it clear that I am not putting the twin flame connection on a shining pedestal and defining it as better than any other connection or relationship. I firmly believe that every relationship that we attract in our lives is just as valid and valuable as any other, and they all have a different purpose for us, whether this is to teach us a major life lesson or to provide companionship and words of wisdom when we need it most.
Having said that, everything needs to be taken in balance and with a grounded higher perspective. In the context of an abusive relationship, this means that there is a need for us not to accept any kind of mistreatment and take the necessary precautions as outlined above.
It is also necessary to learn the lesson/s that is being offered to us through this kind of relationship so we can try our best to heal and move into healthier connections in the future if we wish to do so. The lesson for many in this kind of situation is usually around honouring, loving, and respecting the self enough to never be somebody’s punching bag – either physically or emotionally.
Also, if after reading this you start to realise that you may be in an abusive relationship rather than a twin flame connection there is no need to be jealous. The twin flame journey is no picnic, and it certainly isn’t a fairytale. Without a doubt, it can be one of the hardest and fast-paced pathways to spiritual ascension that exists on this earthly plane.
The universe puts the twin flame collective through so many difficult and often very painful tests, seemingly one after the other, with barely any breaks in between. It can be truly exhausting and can often make you want to run away as far as possible from yourself, your twin, and from the journey; but there is no escape.
If you try to run, you will most likely be faced with some kind of distressing event or circumstance (aka ‘tower moment’) that causes you so much discomfort and pain, and you realise that the only way out is to continue on your path towards ascension.
It is a huge commitment to be a twin flame and can sometimes feel like a massive curse and a burden. The blessing is that you get to awaken spiritually and become the best version of yourself, but it certainly takes a lot of really tough hard work to get there.
This is very different from an abusive relationship where the longer you stay, the more likely you are to experience even more pain and incur further damage in the long term than if you bite the bullet and decide to leave.
I would be doing everybody a disservice if at this point I didn’t mention that I am in no way trying to shame the ‘victim’ and inflict any further sense of guilt or blame. There is still a lot of focus within the legal system, DV services, books, and academic journals around the need for the ‘victim’ to leave the relationship rather than emphasising the need for the abuser to commit to proper treatment to correct their damaging behaviour.
Despite the work of great writers and academics in this field, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done in this highly problematic space around patriarchal entitlement, gendered politics, and issues of power and control. If anyone reading this article is now starting to question whether there is abuse present in their relationship, I highly recommend reading Look What You Made Me Do by Australian journalist Jess Hill. Her work is extremely informative and important in this area and I can’t speak highly enough of it.
The last thing I want to say is that it is my mission in this lifetime to help people understand and navigate their relationships, whether they are in a twin flame connection or any other type of connection. I truly want to make a difference in this area because relationships often form such an integral part of our lives that it is so important they be healthy, loving, respectful, and supportive.
We are all individuals, but we also understand and learn about ourselves through our relationships with each other. No man or woman is an island and it’s essential that we all try and do our best to clean up our side of the street.