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The Danger of the Twin Flame Label

As an experienced counsellor and twin flame coach, it has come to my attention that there is a lot of misidentification with, and misunderstanding around the twin flame label.

Before I go any further, I must warn that this article may be triggering for some. Nonetheless, I feel strongly guided to write it so that people can become properly informed and seek the help and support they may need. I will be talking about the dynamics of domestic and family violence. I will also be using the word ‘victim’ purely for ease even though I don’t like or resonate with it.

Unfortunately, I have witnessed many people identifying their relationship as a twin flame connection when it is highly likely that it is not.

Having said this, I don’t profess to have all the answers, nor do I have a unique psychic ability that allows me to confirm with absolute certainty whether or not someone is in a spiritual connection. What I do have, however, is fifteen years of counselling experience, including several years of working with clients who have been directly affected by domestic and/or family violence.

I have also been on a genuine twin flame path for the last four years which has been confirmed by several highly skilled and experienced shamanic practitioners, and my intuition, which has become very solid and unflappable on this journey. As a result, I do feel that I have enough professional tools, skills, and experience to be writing with a fairly high level of certainty on this subject.

What I have been witnessing is people who are in toxic or even abusive relationships that are mistaking it for a twin flame connection. This is understandable as there is a lot of literature out there in internet land about twin flames which speaks about the often tumultuous, turbulent, and sometimes even abusive behaviour that can occur from one or both parties in the connection.

It is little wonder that someone in a toxic and/or abusive relationship might read these kinds of articles and mistake their relationship for a twin flame connection. This is especially applicable for the ‘victim’ who may be holding onto the hope that their abusive partner will eventually wake up, see the value in the relationship, and change their ways.

This is exactly where the major danger lies in holding onto the twin flame label. It provides the ‘victim’ with the notion that they should continue to put up with abusive behaviour from their partner because it is a destined spiritual connection, and if they hold on for long enough and wait patiently with unconditional love, their partner will eventually wake up and see the true value in their relationship, and commit to them in a spiritual union.

The reality is that it doesn’t matter whether you are in a twin flame connection or not when it comes to abusive behaviours. If you are in a relationship where you are subject to maltreatment of any kind whether it be emotional manipulation, sexual, financial, or physical abuse, this is never okay, and it can be very damaging on all levels. If you are in this kind of relationship, you need to be honest with yourself first and foremost. You also need to seek appropriate support, take steps to protect yourself, and be prepared to walk away from the relationship if needs be.

There can often be challenging and even toxic behaviours present in a genuine twin flame relationship because one of the main purposes is for both parties to trigger each other so that their wounds come up to the surface for healing. This is exactly why a lot of people confuse an abusive relationship for a twin flame connection.

However, what you will most likely find in a twin flame connection is that one or both twins will more than likely be repelled by the other straight after a major trigger which will inevitably lead to a physical separation in which there is very little or no physical contact/communication.

In the early stages of the connection, in particular, this often plays out in the form of the infamous ‘runner chaser’ dynamic in which the twin carrying the masculine energy (most often embodied by a biological male but not always) will run away and completely block the twin carrying the feminine energy (most often embodied by a biological female but not always).

At this stage, the feminine twin will often try to chase after the masculine to little effect as there is nothing you can do to coax a masculine twin out of hiding once ‘he’ runs away. The only thing left to do for the feminine at this stage is to focus ‘her’ energy inwards and start to heal and ascend on ‘her’ own without the masculine physically present in ‘her’ life.

In a genuine twin flame connection, there is typically only a short amount of time that the pair are physically together (most often as a romantic couple) in what is most often referred to as the ‘bubble love’ phase before the triggering starts and the masculine twin runs from the connection.

This phase is deeply loving, and there is an inextricable feeling of deep soul recognition and ‘returning home’ for both twins. Most if not all of the genuine twins I have spoken to have reported that this initial courtship lasted anywhere between 2-6 months (often on and off) before the ‘runner chaser’ dynamic came fully into play.

So if you have been in a long marriage or partnership that has lasted for years and you are now finding yourself in a difficult separation or divorce with your partner who is engaging in some abusive behaviours, you are more than likely not in a twin flame relationship. This is more likely to be a difficult separation which has triggered some abusive or toxic behaviours that were already present in the relationship whether you were fully aware of it or not.

At this point, I also want to make it clear that I am not putting the twin flame connection on a shining pedestal and defining it as better than any other connection or relationship. I firmly believe that every relationship that we attract in our lives is just as valid and valuable as any other, and they all have a different purpose for us, whether this is to teach us a major life lesson or to provide companionship and words of wisdom when we need it most.

Having said that, everything needs to be taken in balance and with a grounded higher perspective. In the context of an abusive relationship, this means that there is a need for us not to accept any kind of mistreatment and take the necessary precautions as outlined above.

It is also necessary to learn the lesson/s that is being offered to us through this kind of relationship so we can try our best to heal and move into healthier connections in the future if we wish to do so. The lesson for many in this kind of situation is usually around honouring, loving, and respecting the self enough to never be somebody’s punching bag – either physically or emotionally.

Also, if after reading this you start to realise that you may be in an abusive relationship rather than a twin flame connection there is no need to be jealous. The twin flame journey is no picnic, and it certainly isn’t a fairytale. Without a doubt, it can be one of the hardest and fast-paced pathways to spiritual ascension that exists on this earthly plane.

The universe puts the twin flame collective through so many difficult and often very painful tests, seemingly one after the other, with barely any breaks in between. It can be truly exhausting and can often make you want to run away as far as possible from yourself, your twin, and from the journey; but there is no escape.

If you try to run, you will most likely be faced with some kind of distressing event or circumstance (aka ‘tower moment’) that causes you so much discomfort and pain, and you realise that the only way out is to continue on your path towards ascension.

It is a huge commitment to be a twin flame and can sometimes feel like a massive curse and a burden. The blessing is that you get to awaken spiritually and become the best version of yourself, but it certainly takes a lot of really tough hard work to get there.

This is very different from an abusive relationship where the longer you stay, the more likely you are to experience even more pain and incur further damage in the long term than if you bite the bullet and decide to leave.

I would be doing everybody a disservice if at this point I didn’t mention that I am in no way trying to shame the ‘victim’ and inflict any further sense of guilt or blame. There is still a lot of focus within the legal system, DV services, books, and academic journals around the need for the ‘victim’ to leave the relationship rather than emphasising the need for the abuser to commit to proper treatment to correct their damaging behaviour.

Despite the work of great writers and academics in this field, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done in this highly problematic space around patriarchal entitlement, gendered politics, and issues of power and control. If anyone reading this article is now starting to question whether there is abuse present in their relationship, I highly recommend reading Look What You Made Me Do by Australian journalist Jess Hill. Her work is extremely informative and important in this area and I can’t speak highly enough of it.

The last thing I want to say is that it is my mission in this lifetime to help people understand and navigate their relationships, whether they are in a twin flame connection or any other type of connection. I truly want to make a difference in this area because relationships often form such an integral part of our lives that it is so important they be healthy, loving, respectful, and supportive.

We are all individuals, but we also understand and learn about ourselves through our relationships with each other. No man or woman is an island and it’s essential that we all try and do our best to clean up our side of the street.

Expansion and Contraction: The Ups and Downs of Awakening

It has really dawned on me recently that this whole awakening journey is one big ol’ rollercoaster ride. I mean, I’ve known this for awhile (you would hope so, I’ve been on this journey for some time now), but now I can see the pattern of ups and downs, high and lows, expansion and contraction in a very clear and visceral way, almost like I’m looking at a precise road map of exactly how I got to the point where I am now.

Whilst it has been intensely painful at times, it has also been powerful, beautiful and amazing. All the oscillations, the plot twists, the times of agonising suspension and the crazy ass “tower moments” have made this journey very unique. Despite the immense difficulty at times, I am extremely grateful that I have experienced it and continue to experience it as I move forward everyday into higher states of awareness, elevated levels of consciousness and the life of my dreams in my physical everyday reality.

One of the major things I have learnt first hand on this journey is that you literally can’t have any expectations of how you want your life to unfold. You can certainly have an idea or an image of what you want, but nobody has any control over how things play out or how they ultimately pan out.

It is absolutely fine to want certain things – a secure and meaningful career/purpose, a loving and healthy relationship, a beautiful family, a once in a lifetime trip or adventure, a gorgeous house with all of the latest gadgets and appliances etc etc.. In fact, forming a blueprint of your heart’s desires and putting them out into the stratosphere is actually a crucial step in getting what you want.

Where most of us trip up is the next step in the manifestation process where one needs to let go of any expectations, intense longing or stubbornness around exactly how these things come to fruition in our physical reality. On top of this, there are no guarantees, so just because you put out a blueprint of your desires, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will get what you want or even something similar. It could very well be that some or all of the things on your ‘wish’ list are not for your highest good, and therefore the universe will not deliver on these things in order to protect you from something or someone that is not right for you.

I have just recently come out of the ‘void zone,’ best categorised as a state of animated suspension where you have done most of the really intense and challenging inner emotional/psychological/spiritual work so that you are a vibrational match to your heart’s desires, only to be faced with further challenging circumstances, confusion and multiple unknowns.

This is the stage that requires a tremendous amount of PATIENCE and FAITH in order not to crumble into a sobbing hot mess on the floor wailing, “why don’t I ever get what I want?? I worked so hard and it’s all for NOTHING! It’s not faaaaiiiiiiiirrr!” Much like the scene in Bridesmaids where Annie (played by the hilarious Kristen Wiig) looses her shit at her best friend’s engagement party in front of everyone. Ego tantrum to the max.

What I had failed to realise in my own ego driven state was that this was the natural rhythm of expansion and contraction at play. I had placed the order of my wants and desires (so to speak), I had done most if not all of the necessary work in order to become aligned energetically to receive them, and was waiting for my order to be shipped (without tracking). In between, I had experienced incredible breakthroughs, dizzying highs and peaceful moments of pure presence and tranquility followed by massive shakeups, devastating lows and then back again.

This is the way this journey rolls and if it sounds a little bit bipolar, it is! Of course, this is not to detract from or diminish the incredible pain experienced by someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any other mental health issue where immense ups and downs play a significant part. I have a huge amount of empathy and compassion for anyone in this position, and hope that they are receiving the support, love and care that they need to recover.

Clinical diagnosis aside, the awakening journey can leave you feeling completely drained and exhausted at times. It can also make you feel very powerful (in a good way), especially when you manage to get yourself through the infamous “dark night of the soul” and shed more and more of your old petulant ego self to be reborn like the phoenix rising from the ashes – resilient, strong, courageous, wise and so damn magnetic that you start drawing positive people, things and experiences to you like a moth to a flame.

This is where I am now. While there are still some things that are yet to completely manifest in my physical reality, energetically I am in a very good place and it’s only a matter of time before these things unfold. I will be living my best life in the physical as well as internally and this will be a reflection of the state of my inner world- powerful, peaceful, confident, compassionate, kind and brimming with unconditional love to pour into my business of helping people as a counsellor and coach.

I have had some difficult times with various people in my life who have treated me badly, disrespected me, or have tried to control me. Whilst these have been painful experiences to go through from a human perspective, from a soul perspective these people have been my greatest teachers for whom I am very grateful, and I forgive them for any hurt caused. I honestly wouldn’t be where I am today without them. I’m certainly not perfect by any means, and I have behaved in challenging ways with others in the past – no human is immune to fears, wounds, illusions and conditioning that can manifest as challenging or even toxic behaviour at times.

These people have helped to teach me about my worth, that I deserve all the good things. They have taught me that I always need to speak my truth (respectfully and kindly of course). They have taught me how to implement healthy boundaries in a way that is honest, fair, assertive and compassionate. They have taught me to be patient and have faith (a difficult one for me!) Last but not least, they have taught me that I am enough as I am, just me, and that I don’t need anyone or anything to feel whole, complete, worthy, accomplished and beautiful. Wow! What amazing takeaways.. So from the very bottom of my heart.. thank you.

I now sit in this space knowing that I have a beautiful future ahead of me, regardless of how it physically unfolds and presents itself in my life. I am so thankful for the expansions and contractions on this journey, and I am open and ready to receive whatever is meant for me whether that be a beautiful romance, increased clarity on my life mission/purpose or anything else.

So, the next time you are struggling with expansion and contraction, just know that it is all part of the process and that everything is impermanent except for the ever flowing unconditional love of your soul.

Toilet Paper and Terror: Humanity’s Dark Night of the Soul

It’s easy to get caught up in the collective panic and general air of malaise in the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic. As has already been highlighted, the current health crisis has shone a very bright spotlight on the collective ‘lack’ mentality predicated on fear and competition. This mentality has manifested in mass hoarding behaviours resulting in empty supermarket shelves and an uneven distribution of toilet paper.

It has revealed humanity’s collective shadow side which can only really be described as selfish and ugly. I certainly don’t intend to judge, punish or criticise anyone by writing these words. This is a collective mentality which suggests that it does not derive from individual dysfunction and greed, but from a society that teaches us that we never have enough material things, and that it’s every man and woman for themselves.

This is a mentality that has been rampant for a long time, particularly in the West, and it has caused a lot of dis ease, conflict, unhappiness and suffering. Our true nature is not based on fear, competition and greed, but on radical acceptance, unconditional love, courage, creativity and kindness. Who we are at a soul level has been covered up by centuries of patriarchal and political oppression resulting in trauma, conflict, wars, environmental degradation, unhappiness and damaging behaviour.

Whilst we are all connected by a vast web of collective human consciousness, every human being is an individual who is ultimately responsible for their own wellbeing and happiness. It is only when we have come to a place of relative happiness and wholeness within that we can contribute positively to the collective.

You may ask, “how do we heal and evolve from the damage we have inflicted on ourselves and the Earth? It seems impossible, we are too far gone!” You may feel that ascending as a planet into a higher level of collective consciousness is so far out of reach and that rebuilding a world based on altruism, respect for our Earth Mother and kindness towards all living things is a shitty pipe dream, which drifts further and further out of reach with every new crisis: climate change, the recent bushfires in Australia, and now the global Coronavirus pandemic.

When you look at it at face value, this is exactly how it appears. However, when you look at it from a spiritual perspective, what is happening now makes complete and total sense. In order for us to change from the inside out, we must first recognise and acknowledge where we are creating damage. What better way to continue to wipe out oppressive and outdated systems predicated on dysfunctional levels of ego and pride than to introduce a global health crisis that forces us to turn away from our systemic oppression and find peace, kindness, compassion and humble solidarity within.

The COVID- 19 global pandemic is just the catalyst for our collective ‘dark night of the soul‘ or the chrysalis, as beautifully described below:

We are entering the chrysalis. There’s no instruction manual for what happens next. But we can learn some things from observing nature (thank you Megan Toben for some of this biological info). For one thing, the chrysalis stage is preceded by a feeding frenzy in which the caterpillar massively overconsumes (sound familiar? We’ve been there for decades). Then its tissues melt into a virtually undifferentiated goo. What remain separate are so-called imaginal cells, which link together and become the template from which the goo reorganizes itself into a butterfly.

Jonathan Hadas Edwards & Julia Hartsell, 2020

Once we emerge from the chrysalis, (and even whilst inside it) we have the opportunity to rise like the Pheonix from the ashes, reborn and ready to do things differently. To live and strive as a collective in alignment with our soul consciousness predicated on all the good things our world is so desperately in need of.

So put this time of social isolation to good use. Instead of getting caught up in collective fear, anxiety and panic, reflect on your own inner space and what you can do to raise your vibrational frequency. We can all contribute positively to the collective human consciousness, and help save this beautiful big old round spinning ball we call home.

Spiritual Bypassing: The Antithesis of Real Spiritualism

Lately I have been feeling a lot of frustration around the ways that some people within and around the spiritual community engage in various forms of spiritual bypassing.

Spiritual bypassing can be best described as:

A tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks

John WELWOOD, buddhist teacher and psychotherapist

In my experience, this is a very apt description. I have witnessed multiple examples of this going on within spiritual groups and with friends and acquaintances.

The sorts of telltale signs that someone might be engaging in this form of spiritual avoidance include:

  • Always trying to remain “positive” by avoiding any discussion or expressing difficult emotions that arise as part of the human experience (ie. emotional repression)
  • Disinterest, judgement and/or avoidance of the emotional process
  • Being overly tolerant of the mistreatment of others, lack of healthy boundaries (ie. co-dependency)
  • Giving excessive advise whilst resisting the same in return
  • Being overly idealistic instead of realistic
  • A sense of spiritual superiority and entitlement
  • Attributing negative events to the interference of black magic, dark forces etc.
  • Touting fringe conspiracy theories to avoid facing your shadow work

This list is not exhaustive by any means, but these are some of the most common manifestations of spiritual bypassing I have come across on my own path.

There are some sayings within the spiritual community that are repeatedly misused by people who are not actually working through their shadow side. The term, “sending you love and light” is one common example.

In order to get to a place of balance and wholeness within, you need to work through your shadow side and integrate it into your life rather than sweep it under the carpet and deny it’s existence. Nobody who is on a true spiritual path can avoid this, and no amount of love and light is going to bypass this process.

I have to admit that when someone utters this phrase to me, this is the image that springs to mind…

Real spiritualism means confronting, accepting and even embracing those ‘undesirable’ and ‘ugly’ parts of yourself that our society and upbringing has conditioned us to deny and repress.

It means getting really honest with yourself about your fears, deep seated wounds, illusions and the unhealthy/dysfunctional/toxic patterns that play out in your relationships, including your relationship with yourself. It means owning up to self sabotage and embracing opportunities for change and growth rather than staying stuck in fear and resistance.

Let’s face it, the initial stages of a spiritual awakening are intensely raw and extremely painful. It’s nothing short of taking a trip through the gates of hell because everything you have been carrying that has been blocking your heart from true unconditional love and acceptance has to be shed and released which means FEELING IT ALL.

This is just the way we are built as human beings living on planet Earth. We need to feel the emotions in order to release and heal them for good. I can vouch for this because I have been on the Twin Flame ascension journey for the last three and a half years.

The twin flame journey is basically the same as a normal spiritual ascension journey. The only difference is that there is another person involved in the process, someone who is so energetically connected to you on a deep soul level that they trigger your deepest darkest core wounds and fears up to the surface for recognition, healing and release through their challenging behaviour.

If anything, the twin flame ascension journey forces you to awaken at breakneck speed as you are triggered over and over and over in quick succession by either your spiritual counterpart, or by other circumstances/situations/relationships that are divinely orchestrated to ensure that you engage in the cross fit version of spiritual awakening. Not a journey for the fainthearted, that’s for sure.

There is definitely a mandatory requirement for anyone who is serious about their awakening to drop all the bypassing “love and light” BS and embrace a path of genuine ascension. One that involves allowing yourself to feel everything (and I mean really feel it) to the point where you might find yourself lying cheek down on the bathroom floor sobbing in a heaving sweaty mess to release the trapped emotions stored in your muscle memory from your childhood/other life experiences.

Real awakenings are messy, painful and extremely challenging. They are also amazing, joyful, extremely beautiful and everything in between. It’s essential to understand the difference between spiritual bypassing and genuine raw, authentic spiritualism. We need as many people as possible to truly embrace this journey on all levels so we can help uplift the vibration of the entire planet and save humanity in the process.

I Love You But Please Stay Away: A message from the divine feminine to the distorted masculine

Dear Distorted Masculine,

I love who you as your authentic self, in your divine masculinity: an exquisite balance of kind tender hearted vulnerability and positive decisive action. You are my protector, and it is through your protection that I am free to walk the Earth unharmed so I can spread my light and inspiration to everyone around me.

I accept who you are in your current distorted state and I still love you in spite of it, but that doesn’t mean I want to be around you. I don’t want to deal with your control, manipulation, betrayal and deceit. When you are in these energies, I feel you can be very unkind. You need to learn that asserting control over someone is not love. Neither is withholding affection, honesty, attempting to make me jealous, shutting me out or saying nasty things.

I know you are hurting and dealing with deep core wounds that are very difficult to work through. I have compassion for you at this time because I have also been through this deep dark pain on my own healing journey. However, this is a path you need to walk alone until you can stand confident and tall in your own healthy masculinity. There are no short cuts on this journey, and I will never be your emotional punching bag.

I’m not trying to demonise you or to put myself on a pedestal by writing these words. I have engaged in my fair share of distorted feminine behaviour on this path. But I have healed my core wounds now, and although I still have my ups and downs, I stand tall and proud in the energy of an empress.

This is why I can’t be with you at this time. There is an energetic mismatch between us – divine feminine and distorted masculine does not make a true sacred union. We can only make this work when we have both surrendered our ego and there is nothing but love between us. That is how we come together, in true unconditional love for each other and the world around us. When we are both ready we can come together to fulfil our soul mission together, as one.

So please, my distorted masculine stay away from me until you are a king who can treat me like an empress. I love you so much, my distorted masculine, but I need you to know that if it ever comes down to a choice of me or you, I choose myself every time.

Divine Detachment: How to Detach from Your Twin Flame

It’s come to my attention that there is a fair bit of confusion in the twin flame community around what it actually means to detach from your divine counterpart. If you’ve been on the twin flame path for awhile and you have sought explanations for the plethora of mystical experiences you’ve encountered, then it’s highly likely that you have done some research and sought the assistance of a twin flame teacher, coach or tarot reader/s to help guide you.

This is a journey that you can only truly understand if you are on it or have been through it yourself. It’s also highly likely that you have come across the very strong message in the twin flame community that you must detach from your counterpart in order to fully ascend, come into your true soul self and attract spiritual and physical union with your twin. This is stated over and over as one of the ultimate challenges and goals of the twin flame journey, which is perhaps why it is one of the hardest darn things to achieve.

I know I have struggled over and over again on my own twin flame path to fully surrender and let go of any kind of unhealthy attachment to my twin and to the connection. There were many times on my own journey where I felt that it must be some impossible cosmic joke- the connection I felt to my twin was so strong that it was driving me crazy. He was constantly on my mind, he would appear in my dreams and I could feel his presence so strongly on an energetic level that sometimes I felt like he was right there with me in the physical. The love I felt for him was so strong and beyond anything I had ever experienced with another person before.

Along with the strong magnetic, I could feel and sense my twin’s thoughts, feelings and emotions as well as my own. I was also seeing, feeling and experiencing a miriade of signs and synchronicities especially whilst in periods of separation such as repeated number patters (111, 222, 333 and 555 being the most frequent), and things that reminded me of him like the car he drove or other men that looked like him.

With all of that going on I wondered how it was even possible to detach from him like I was supposed to. How the hell was I going to become neutral about someone who was always there, always in my thoughts, my heart, my mind and the main reason that I was working so hard to overcome my fears, wounds, illusions to become to best version of myself that I could possibly be?

It certainly didn’t help that everyone in my physical reality were not on the twin flame path and could only see what was happening on the surface- that I appeared to be obsessed with someone who was emotionally and physically unavailable to me, and not only that, someone who and was actively ghosting, ignoring and blocking me. Not only was I having all these intense feelings and experiences that were making me question my sanity, this feeling of “going crazy” was being reinforced by those around me who thought that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and had serious attachment and mental health issues.

I’m certainly not having a go at anyone who thought these things about my situation. In truth, I would have had the same thoughts if I were in their position. I mean, this whole twin flame thing is not a ‘normal’ experience in our society which is why a lot of twins try to conceal the fact that they are on this journey, and hide it like some dirty little secret. I was certainly no exception to this, and it’s only over the last six months that I have really started to come out of the closet about my twin flame status.

I have now gotten to a point of my journey where overall I have been able to detach from my twin in ways that I previously felt impossible. I still have the odd day where I feel that strong obsessive magnetic pull and it becomes so damn distracting that it’s challenging to focus on myself… However, the thing I have come to realise is that once you have healed and released your biggest core wounds triggered by your twin (which for most twins are around abandonment and rejection), you will start to experience these obsessive days less and less.

The reason for this is this is that the strong pull you feel towards your twin is often not really about them at all. It’s actually you being pulled by the universe into your own wounding. As you and your twin share the same soul, it is actually luring you into your own shadow side and wounded inner child so you can become aware of your blind spots and heal the underlying wounds creating them. So it stands to reason that once you have healed a lot of your core rejection and abandonment wounds, those obsessive hours, days, weeks or months where you can’t stop thinking about your twin become less and less.

The other reason that you might experience the obsessive pull or strong overpowering feelings towards your twin after you worked through your own core wounds is that you are actually picking up on your twin’s feelings more than your own. From my own experience, I can safely say that I am now in a position where I have more or less worked through those core abandonment and rejection wounds. Therefore when I do suddenly feel a very strong emotion like sadness out of the blue when things are going relatively well in my own life, I can assume that it is my twin’s feelings, and therefore detach from them to become the observer rather than attaching to them as if they were my own.

I believe that it is really important to be able to discern between your own feelings and your twin’s feelings on this journey, and this can also help to detach from any codependency you may be experiencing as well. Once you are at the stage of the journey where you are able to recognise that you have worked through your own core wounds, the ‘obsessive’ days where you feel bound to your twin become less and less, and you become able to identify your own feelings from those of your twin, then you are absolutely nailing this journey and should expect all the good things to start to blossom and grow in your physical reality in divine timing.

Where Am I Vibing At? A Message for the Twin Flame Collective

It has really dawned on me over the past few weeks that there is a lot of confusion in the twin flame community around what this journey is really about. I’ve recently come to the point in my own journey where I can finally see the forrest through the trees much more clearly than ever before. Now I can see why all the crazy twists and turns had to happen, and what we’re all really working towards.

Unfortunately it seems that people tend to complicate this journey by getting too bogged down in the 3D physical world dynamics with their twin- the running, the chasing, the ghosting, the frustration, the anger, the hopelessness and the longing for physical reunion with their counterpart.

Of course this messy human stuff is all part of the journey, and I’ve certainly been there many times myself, so I’m definitely not judging anyone. The purpose of this article is for me to do my part in assisting others on this journey who may be feeling all kinds of pissed off at the universe for showing them their perfect partner, only to see their dream crumbling to shit in a messy nightmare of betrayal, deceit and seemingly endless abandonment triggers.

You only have to log onto a lot of twin flame facebook pages to see that the majority of the collective are heavily caught up the physical dynamics of their connection- what their twin is or isn’t doing, the pain and helplessness they feel around separation, and when their twin will finally come back to them so they can have the happy romantic outcome they prize above anything else.

Again, I’m not passing any judgement here as I’ve been there myself, but it is important to face the reality here. If you don’t, or you flat out refuse to, you could end up going around and around and round in a messed up dysfunctional dynamic with your twin for years and years until you turn around and finally release the false belief that this is just about the romantic outcome. The happy ever after is merely the cherry on top that only becomes possible once the internal work is more or less complete.

I’m certainly not saying anything new by writing this article. There are many twin flame coaches, teachers, tarot readers and bloggers who have commented on this very subject. I feel that it is important for as many people on the twin flame path as possible to share the truth about the journey so it can really be heard. One of my favourite twin flame teachers Sabriye Ayana sums it up perfectly:

The destination of this journey is really not about ending up in a romantic love relationship with the Divine counterpart, which most Twin Flames cling to as if their lives depend on it – but that is the very reason they don’t align to it as a physical manifestation, because they want it too much and for all the wrong reasons. Often shooting down anyone that threatens their view of the fairy-tale ending they deeply desire.

-Sabriye Ayana

Now, having said what the twin flame journey isn’t about, let’s take a look at what it is about. Keep in mind that this is my perspective derived from my own experience, research, twin flame teachers I’ve worked with and the guidance I’ve received directly from spirit. That’s another thing about this journey- it’s often full of apparent contradictions which, in reality, is actually how spiritual truth functions.

There is often two realities running concurrently, and both are just as valid as each other. So, while I talk about the ‘truth’ of the journey, it is not dogma and nobody has to agree as we all have free will and we can choose to believe or not to believe in whatever we feel is serving us at that point in time. That isn’t to say that there aren’t consequences for whatever action or path you choose to take if it’s not in alignment with what your soul knows to be for your highest good.

One of the biggest areas of confusion that a lot of people struggle with on this journey is thinking that it is the same for both the masculine and the feminine counterparts. As we know, a biological female can embody the masculine energy and vice versa, and this doesn’t have any bearing on the end result because it’s all about the energy.

The biggest challenge for the feminine energy twin in this lifetime is to learn how to stand in her own power and become fully self sufficient and independent in the material world. This means shedding, healing and releasing past wounds from childhood and relationships/situations built on codependency. It doesn’t mean that ‘she’ shouldn’t want companionship and intimacy, but it does mean that she needs to release the unhealthy attachment she has to it.

By contrast, the masculine energy twin needs to learn how to let love in. After centuries of wounding, conditioning and fears around around being vulnerable, expressing feelings and showing genuine love and compassion, ‘he’ needs to heal and release all of this so that he can let love in and finally be free to be himself without fear of rejection, judgement or recrimination.

As a race, human beings have gotten ourselves into such a mess with paradigms based on patriarchal power and control. They are so detrimental to our true nature which, at its core, is based on unconditional love, kindness and altruism.

We are blindly repeating the same dysfunctional patterns in our relationships with partners, friends and family, and on a systemic scale through governments and institutions.

It’s an emergency on a global scale which is predicated on distorted templates in which the feminine energy is associated with victimhood/powerlessness/resentment, and the masculine energy is associated with persecution/control/anger. You only have to hear about the countless stories of domestic abuse from all around the world to see this dynamic in action.

Twin flames are here to release this old template and in doing so turn it into love. Every time someone works through this pattern, releases the associated pain from past experiences and chooses a more loving path to move forward, it heals this negative karma for their whole family line, for others around them and for their offspring, if children are part of their path.

CPTSD Foundation

I have been releasing strong conditioning around powerlessness and oppression at the hands of toxic masculine energy, which has also shown up in my twin flame dynamic, and in past relationships where I felt at the mercy of distorted masculine behaviour. This often took the form of control, betrayed and deception.

I have recently been working through these kinds of themes in my own life which have shown up in my past relationships, my professional life and yes, you guessed it, in my twin flame dynamic. A lot of my behaviour had to do with over giving in my intimate relationships and in my work as a counsellor and social worker. I would give and give until I was so depleted and exhausted that I could barely stand. This would then feed into feelings of resentment and anger when my efforts were not reciprocated.

I am doing this with full awareness of the greater purpose. By choosing to put myself and my own needs first, whilst allowing myself to release the pain stored up in my emotional pain body, I am literally healing these old damaging templates for my family, for the people around me, and for my future children if they are part of my journey on this big old round ball. The buck stops with me.

Unfortunately I think that the twin flame industry has done us all a massive disservice by focussing so heavily on the romantic outcome part of the journey. You only have to google anything related to twin flames to be inundated with articles, guided meditations and tarot card readings with headings such as ‘divine masculine planning to profess his love to his divine feminine.’

There is nothing wrong with wanting commitment, marriage and babies with your beloved, but when it’s all you strive for, and it prevents you from moving forward and living your own life, you might as well be plugged right back into the matrix – the 3D world of co dependent relationships based purely on ego and control. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t those the very paradigms that we are working so hard to overcome?

Despite all of the pain I’ve encountered on this journey, the heartbreak, the incredible ups and the devastating lows, I am extremely grateful to be on this path. It is because of all of this that I know what my mission and life purpose is in this lifetime. Whenever you are feeling low, depressed, hopeless or angry remember that you are here to serve humanity, to bring the New Earth down to this physical plane in order to guide and teach others the true meaning of unconditional love and what it truly means to be human.

So instead of asking, ‘when will my twin return?’ ask yourself, ‘where am I vibing at?’ As it is only by raising our vibration that we can fulfil our mission as twin flames and help to usher in the New Earth for the benefit of humankind.

Shiny Object Syndrome

A major issue I’ve been struggling with lately is resistance.. Resistance to doing what I know will serve me in the long run, resistance around going to the doctor to get that niggling health issue checked, resistance to getting into a regular rhythm with my writing.. you get my point.

Resistance is a tricky one. It is the most common and pervasive forms of self sabotage for the majority of us two legged beasts. We all want certain things in our lives, depending on our personal circumstances and where we are geographically located. Though generally speaking, the things that most people want include a fulfilling career or life purpose, a loving relationship and/or family life, and to feel part of a supportive community.

In order to get these things there are often challenges and/or hard work involved. This is where our sneaky friend resistance swoops in to make a cameo appearance, if not a major starring role in the daily soap opera of our lives. Resistance takes many forms from distractions like TV, excessive sleeping or messing around on facebook to addictions like sex, alcohol or impulsive online shopping.

In my case, resistance takes the form of Shiny Object Syndrome, which is basically a fancy term for impulsive Gemini types who are prone to one distraction after the next. Whenever I am super stressed or facing one of my core wounds and/or shadows, I struggle with the impulse to distract myself by signing up for a fancy yoga membership I never use, or a photography course which I know I probably won’t be able to attend or can’t even really afford. Ah resistance, you feathered beast!

In The Art of War, Steven Pressfield lists the activities that most commonly evoke resistance which he refers to as ‘Resistance’s Greatest Hits.’ Among these include any entrepreneurial project or business, a healthy diet or exercise regiment, a program involving spiritual development, educational advancement or a program to help combat addictions. Basically anything that is beneficial to your ongoing soul advancement rather than activities that provide instant quick fix gratification.

He further notes that fear is our constant companion, so there is no point in, ‘I will do such and such when I get over the fear’ kind of thinking. Trust me, I’ve been there many times myself!

Fear doesn’t go away. The warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew every day.

STEVEN PRESSFIELD, THE ART OF WAR

I experience resistance every time I sit down to write one of these articles. Suddenly everything else seems infinitely more important including dusting the family elephant, and no that’s not a sleazy euphemism! The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I will feel a great sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, especially knowing it may assist someone struggling with a similar issue.

So there you have it, resistance is a vastly common experience and takes no prisoners. Even the likes of Barak Obama, Gina Rinehart and Oprah Winfrey are struck down by it’s forceful blow. The trick is to accept it’s presence and not let the fear stop you from doing what you were put on this great old round ball to do.

Nice Guys, Bad Boys and Mr Unavailable

A big theme that I have observed in the world of male/female intimate relationships is the confusion felt by men around what women want. I refer to this as the nice guys versus bad boys dichotomy.

Following from my last piece, Emasculation and Objectification, this article will explore modern day archetypes, ‘Mr Nice Guy,’ the ‘Bad Boy’ and how they can play out in a dating/relationship context. It will also look at the in between guy, ‘Mr Unavailable,’ and finally, what healthy balanced women really want from their masculine counterpart.

I have certainly experienced this dichotomy playing out in my own dating life. I have been intimately involved with men who fit the description of a typical ‘bad boy’ or ‘player’ where they engaged in all manner of mind games. Conversely, I have had experiences with the ‘nice guy’ who has almost bent over backwards to cater to what he assumed were all my needs and desires.

The ‘bad boy’ archetype can be seen in film and TV characters such as Tyler Durden from Fight Club, Eric Northman from True Blood and Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad. He is brimming with bravado, oozing with sexual magnetism, and carries a distinct air of intrigue and mystery. He is ‘bad’ in the sense that he doesn’t follow the pack, and in some cases literally operates outside the confines of the law. Women supposedly find him irresistible, and he has his pick of sexual conquests, which he regularly takes advantage of.

The ‘nice guy’ archetype on the other hand is much more likely to be put in the ‘friend zone’ due to his overly doting and caring nature. He puts his partner’s needs before his own, avoids any and all types of confrontation, and essentially lives to please others, particularly the object of his affection. He often complains that despite all his best efforts, women don’t find him sexually attractive, and that he is more likely to end up listening to their troubles with the aforementioned ‘bad boy’ than enthralling them between the sheets.

Popular culture and the media both reinforce the notion that women are impossible to please, are never satisfied and actively pursue the bad boy, only to end up running back to the nice guy for comfort and support when her heart is inevitably broken. Whilst this template certainly does play out in real life to varying degrees, I would argue that it continues to be perpetuated by these stereotypes that are highly damaging to both men and women, and to intimate relationships.

Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim writes extensively about Mr Unavailable, the guy who resides between the Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy.

She argues that Mr Unavailable is very much about the chase:

He pursues hard, showers you with attention and lays it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are hooked and things get comfortable, he backs off. Then he homes in again.

Natalie Lue, Baggage RecLAIM

I would suggest that out of the three above mentioned archetypes, the majority of men who experience significant issues achieving genuine intimacy in relationships fall into the Mr Unavailable category to varying degrees. With all of the confusion around expectations of masculinity and what women want, it is not surprising that this is the case. This is also not to absolve these men of taking responsibility for their unavailable behaviour and addressing the underlying issues.

There is the other side of the coin to take into consideration as well. In the Queen’s Code , Alison Armstrong talks about how women thrive on feelings of warmth and connection that are activated in a relationship when a couple is getting along. Thus, it is a natural instinct for a woman to avoid any kind of conflict with her mate which also includes asserting her needs if she feels that he is not likely to agree with them.

If she does speak up and state her wants, and he doesn’t agree or he reacts negatively, she instinctively feels his withdrawal from the connection on a deep subconscious energetic level. This sends off alarm bells in her mind, and she immediately becomes anxious, which further triggers her to to rekindle the ‘lost’ connection so she can feel safe in the relationship again. This may play out in the form of her taking back her requests, or repeatedly asking him if something is wrong. This behaviour creates a push pull dynamic within the relationship that can cause conflict and confusion for both, especially for the masculine.

Of course, all of this behaviour can be played out to the extreme in relationships in a chronic behavioural dynamic that can sometimes last for decades. When it reaches this level, it is often an indication of a toxic relationship, and there is a high likelihood that both parties have experienced significant levels of abandonment, trauma, abuse or all of the above. This can often stem as far back as childhood, and may require professional counselling or other significant therapeutic interventions to help work through the trauma.

Heterosexual women who are largely in a healthy place in their own lives are not seeking a Bad Boy, Mr Nice Guy or Mr Unavailable. They are looking for a man who is strong (both physically and spiritually), protective, assertive, a generous lover, and has the ability to charge ahead and get things done. He also has a well developed inner feminine aspect; he has the strength to show his vulnerability, and he has a strong nurturing side which he shares generously with his mate.

At the same time, he deals with confrontation when it arises in an assertive and respectful manner, and he doesn’t give up his autonomy when he needs it, or bend over backwards to please others for external validation. He also knows when to pull back and allow for space with his mate, and when to come forward and offer his time, support and assistance. He allows for an element of mystery within the relationship in order to keep the embers of desire burning strong. This is the divine masculine: powerful, strong, alluring, balanced compassionate and beautiful beyond all measure.